Self-Reflection

A few entries ago I shared that I was attempting to write my autobiography. As of this entry, I am nearly 30,000 words into this project. I am not sure if that is good or bad or if what I have put down on paper thus far has any real merit. But what I am sure of is that taking a look at my history, actions I took, and decisions I made is turning out to be a bigger challenge than I anticipated. Why is that? At the outset, I figured writing about myself would be fairly easy. The only real challenge would be the time commitment. Once I was on board with this, then I should be able to knock out this book in no time. Right? Wrong. Just because I may be an expert on me does not make my self-reflecting any easier. The fact I do know so much about me is what is making this effort all the more challenging. For the first time in a long while I am attempting to critique me. I am attempting to delve into the reasons why I traveled the path I have these many years. What influenced my choices? What led me to select one turn over another? As part of this effort, I am also trying to more thorougly understand my many communication choices. This is especially tricky because it is forcing me to critique myself as a communicator. I am recognizing that there have been times when my communication skills were less than lauditory. It is not easy to acknowledge this. Generally, I like thinking positive thoughts about me. What I do not enjoy is recognizing that I have not always communicated with others in ways that were as straight forward or completely honest as they should have been. That does not make me feel good about me. Perhaps others have these same uncomfortable moments. For me, I am trying to be honest with myself when it comes to those times when I could have behaved more honorably. I urge all others to do the same. Doing so is one way we call improve as communicators. We owe it to ourselves as much as we do thoe folks in our lives.

Aftermath

Each of us communicates every day. And you know what? We are pretty good at it. If I want an extra piece of toast, I know how to make that known. If any of us are ready to go to bed early, then we are fully capable of making that known as well. The point is: day-in-, day-out, we all communicate our wishes with success with great consistency. As a result, on that level, communication is as straight- forward and easy as most anything we can name. The challenge that comes with it is two-fold: how we communicate what we seek to communicate and the aftermath of whatever "style" we might utilize to communicate our initial message. Let's look at those two points. To begin, it is important to remember that the two are linked. One impacts the other. The "how" of any communication effort is very important. For example, if I communicate that I want that extra toast with a scream or by throwing my plate against the wall while making my request, then without question that is sending multiple signals that go far beyond a simple piece of toast. People around me will no doubt recoil from my outburst. If the person wishing to go to bed early does so by kickng over the coffee table and stormiung out of the room, then what they are communicating to others goes far beyond their wanting to hit the hay. This leads us to the aftermath. How we communicate directly affects how others perceive us and how they feel about us. This influence whether folks want to maintain some type of connectionw with us. Who would want to have breakfast with me if I throw my plate over a piece of extra toast? No one. This points to the notion that when we choose to communicate a message in a particular way, then part of our thinking should include the aftermath. What result do we want beyond the immediate message? How important is that to us? Our answer to those basic questions, ideally, should drive the "how" of our communicating. This is what helps make the act of communication so complex.

Our Story

One of my all-time literary heroes was and is Studs Terkel. As an interviewer and author his lasting contribution was a reminder that we all have stories to tell. Within each of us, we carry around biographies that are worth telling. Terkel's most famous book was "Working" in which a host of what I will call "regular people" talked about their jobs and their feelings about the challenges that came with them. (Fun fact: This book was even turned into a Broadway musical.) As Terkel's style of interviewing was conversational rather than, say, confrontational, he was able to elicit thoughtful comments from his many subjects. Drawing from Terkel's work, I believe we can all draw lessons from ourselves to better present ourselves to others. Whether it is in a formal job interview or a casual conversation with a neighbor, our encounters provide us with opportunities to communicate and/or connect. Accepting the premise of Terkel's work, one way all of us might become better connectors or comunicators is by incorporating our own stories into our interactions with others. For instance, it is one thing to tell a prospective employer that you want a job. But such a wish can be significantly strengthened if we can package that wish with a story about ourselves that explains the background of the goal. Presently I am working on my autobiography. I have no idea if anyone other than me and my family will be interested in it once it is completed. I am about one-third of the way through it and, frankly, am not thinking the jury on that is still out. Nevetheless, I am enjoying the process. The challenge of this book revolves around telling my story in a way that is coherent and interesting to others. Given that I am not famous, the challenge is all the greater. Also, the projected book represents a unique comunication exercise in figurng out ways to make stories through me more interesting. Normally, my style is to leave me out of whatever is it is I am talking about. Perhaps I need to change that. This is something that we all might consider about ourselves.

Wiggle Room

So, how much wiggle room is one allowed when it comes to communication? Can you be too loud or too soft in your speech? Can you be too blunt with your message or a bit vague? The answer to all these questions is "yes." That is the great thing about communication. It is also the most frustrating aspect of it. Communicating effectively is as precise as it is imprecise. This is because not every act of communicating works for everyone. To give one example: Sometimes while watching television I need to turn up the volume. And then there are times when I need to turn it down. And this could occur during the same program! And then there is the message itself. Depending upon the topic and what I am doing at that particular moment, at times I need things thoroughly explained to me. Directions, for example. Other times, just give me the name of the ultimate destination and I can take it from there. All this points to the same reality for all of us: we need to be as flexible and nimble as we possibly can when trying to enjoy a sustained connection with another. Here is another piece of reality: that is never going to change. There will never be a one-size-fits-all strategy when it comes to communicating successfully with an audience. And if that is not enough, here is probably the biggest, most undeniable aspect of communication of them all: none of us can throw up our hands and walk away from it. None of us can say, "That's it. I'm outta here." If we are going to co-exist with others, then we have to contend with all the foibles and inconsistencies that define communication. Need I remind any one that being social creatures, we all need to co-exist. We all need to have that skill on some level. If not, then we cease to be. This means all of us need to embrace what I call the wiggleness of communication. Whether we like it or not, when it comes to communicating, wiggle room is part of the mix.

More on Reality

All of us know about reality: death, gravity to cite a few quick examples. Reality is that thing that exists no matter how strenuously one denies it or changes their behavior to avoid it. It is there. Ever-present. And it is not going away. Ever. Most everyone, I believe, would agree that to deny reality is as fruitless and foolish as it is nuts. While to do so may not necessarily be risky, but at the very least, it is silly. But it can be both. For instance, my wife has a birthday coming up in a few weeks. If I choose to deny this reality when the actual day arrives, then the consequences of that will be undeniable - for me and her. Reality is no one's friend. At the same time, it is no one's enemy except when it's existence is denied. Yes, I have blogged about reality before. But it is a topic that needs to be highlighted as often as possible these days given the fact we seem to have a government that denies reality on a regular basis. Climate change? Doesn't exist. Never mind the terrible fires and hurricanes that we are experiencing. Wearing a mask to safeguard against COVID-19? Not important. Scientists, of course, have been shouting from the roof tops about these realities. Yet leaders who should know better have been using their bullhorns to spout the opposite. The consequences of denying the hard-truth of those realties represent reality in its most blunt form. Effective communication at its best is when it is wrapped in truth. Truth comes from fact. The best of our communicators base all that they say and do on both. They do not wrap their outreach on opinion or spin at the expense of truth and fact. That seems obvious enough. Yet spin continues to dominate so much of our airwaves. No wonder the heads of so many of us seem to be spinning all the time. Being witnesses to ongoing wrong-headedness is exhausting. No wonder people are either protesting or turning away.

Information

Call me old fashion or old school or just old, but I like information. I like that entity that gives you facts. I like it best when it does not come wrapped in fancy ribbons or off-the-wall hyperbole. The benefit of information speaks for itself. It needs no showcasing of any kind - at least for me. Just share it in its straight-forward glory and I am good-to-go. I like it best when it is not weighed -down with opinion or heavy emotion. The power of information is that it needs none of that. Its power speaks for itself. Big time and with a level of consistency that is unmatched. But don't take my word for it. I bet there is no one who does like or need information, too. In fact, our embrace of it is so strong that we get upset when information is withheld or it is not presented in its entirety. Incomplete information is unfair to information and, more importantly, to any of us on its receiving end. Another great thing about information is that it lets us decide what to do about it or with it. If we take certain action as a result of it, then that is on us. Or if we decide to do nothing based on it, then that is okay, too. Information does not push itself on any one. Rather, it says "Here I am. Do with me what you want." It does not judge. It does not second-guess. It does not crticise or, for that matter, praise. Any issue I may have with information is not directed at information itself but the agents of it. I applaud those who communicate it accurately and in a timely manner. For those who do information wrong by presenting it inaccuately or not in full, then I say, "Shame on you." You are the true villains of informastion-sharing. You are the "bad guys" of communication. Sadly, in our world today, there are more than enough "bad guys" thank you very much. I am not just talking about public figures. They are among us. They are "regular folks." At times, they may even be us. We must all continue to concentrate on being one of the "good guys" when it comes to information. It is a daily battle.

Miniature Golf

It may be embarrassing to admit this, but growing up I always enjoyed playing miniature golf. Even as an adult, it was fun to take my daughter or go with friends to try our hand at seeing how easily we could putt the ball past the windmill or play the angles to come as close to a hole-in-one as possible. Plus, miniature golf was never all that expensive. In its hey day, according to Wikipedia, it is estimated there were over 25,000 miniature golf courses throughout the United States. That's an average of about 500 per individual state. Is there any one who has not played at least one round of miniature golf in their life? Miniature golf has always struck me as being similar to communication. Obstacles. Turns. Angles. Traps. Overshooting the hole. Being overly cautious. All these hurdles were designed to make the golf more fun, but also more difficult. One finds many of the same challenges in attempting to connect with others. In the context of communication, they are not always so much fun. In many ways, each of us is our own miniature golf course. How many times, for example, has a friend or acquaintence attempted to connect with us only to be rejected by our own windmill of emotion? How many traps do we set for others to keep them from getting too close? Here's a thought: one way to be better at communicating is to treat others as we would a miniature golf course. With the right mindset, it can be a fun experience. Challenging, too, but in a less stressful way. Miniature is more enjoyable when played with others. People approach it with the idea of having a positive experience. My thinking here is communicating can be more effective if we view others as having their own set of obstacles that we must figure out how best to work through or around. At the same time, they have the same challenge with us. And just as it is in miniature golf, everyone finishes together with smiles and in anticipation of what is ahead.