Self-Imposed Challenges

I am all for growth and self-improvement. Anything we can do to make ourselves a better person and more socially-conscious certainly has my support and endorsement. As someone who considers himself to be very much a work in progress, I know I do what I can to raise the bar as part of my never-ending quest to be a better me. Having said that, however, I have to confess that can be a real pain in the neck. Two years ago I began working toward a doctorate. Obtaining this degree has been a dream of mine for probably thirty years. Realistically, at this point in my life, achieving such a goal will not result in any pay raise or promotion. Still, it's something I want and something I feel will broaden and deepen my own intellectual growth. In fact, it already has and I still have a little way to go before I get to the finish line.

As I write this, in a very short while from now I will attempt to jump a major hurdle in the program: the program's comprehensive exams, or as those of us in the program call them, "the comps." I have been working very hard over the past six weeks or so to prepare for them, yet I'm finding the closer I get the more insecure and over-my-head I am feeling. It's not supposed to be that way, is it? Shouldn't I be peaking right about now and overflowing with cool confidence? Maybe so, but nevertheless all I can say is I'm not. In fact, lately I have been second-guessing big time about getting in the program in the first place. I do not like feeling this stressed out over anything, especially something I have brought on myself.

Not too long ago I was complaining about this upcoming series of tests to my cousin. He listened for a while and then calmly reminded me that no one held a gun to my head to apply for admissions into the program. I think I responded with some kind of grunt and then thanked him for reminding me cause I was thinking someone did. Any way, here I am with just a few days from when I will be expected to start banging out decent responses to the questions that my professors will be asking. Yikes. I have not yet reached for the panic button but I admit it has crossed my mind more than once. Still, despite my trying times right now, I remain an advocate of self-imposed challenges. But that doesn't mean I always like them.