Thursday, August 30, 2018

The Right Kind of Glue

Have you noticed that lately it is hard to find good glue. By that I mean something that happens or is said that brings people together and leads them to actually remain together. Over the past few days much has been written and said about the late John McCain, a United State Senator of long standing from Arizona. McCain, a former Presidential candidate and decorated war hero, passed away. Since then, politicians from both major political parties have been coming together to talk about McCain, the man, and McCain, the public servant. This sad event represents an example of a glue that brings people together.

The question, however, is whether this particular glue is strong enough to keep people together. Will it serve as a catalyst to lead them to embrace and build on all that they have in common? The dreamer in me very much wants that to happen. The realist in me, unfortunately, does not see that occurring. What would it take to lead to the result that I and so many others long for? At this point, I am not sure. But what I do know is that for there to be greater harmony in society, then there must be better communication. People must talk "with" rather than "at." If that happens, then, yes, perhaps McCain's death could be the glue we have been waiting for.

Communicating effectively is often about taking advantage of opportunities that present themselves unexpectedly or without warning. McCain's passing is such an opportunity. As part of the celebration of this man and his life, communicators from both of the political spectrum need to keep stressing the message of ongoing collaboration. If points such as this are left unsaid, then another opportunity will be lost. Gone. From my perspective, such a scenario would definitely not be the first time. I wonder how many missed opportunities do we as a society have before they are all used up?  Whatever the answer, one thing for sure is we need to keep shopping for the right kind of glue.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Read Before Writing

In his autobiography, "Reporter," Pulitzer-Prize winner Seymour Hersch said it best in various comments about writing he made throughout this highly-readable book: read before you start to write. My take away from this advice is that if one is going to communicate effectively, then they must first know what it is they are talking about. Do not just plop down in front of a computer and begin banging out the first thoughts that come to mind. Do not grab a microphone and begin yammering away without first having a good idea what it is you want to say and a respectable understanding of whatever facts you wish to share.

An oft-used expression we hear these days is "shoot from the hip." It refers to persons who persons who say whatever it is on their mind without first taking a few moments to collect their thoughts or take into account how well their words might be received. I recognize there is a kind of romance surrounding the image of a man or woman who is able to communicate fluidly without having to refer to notes or a prepared next. All of us, I am sure, fantasize at times about being able to ignite an audience with a heartfelt speech about some important topic,  We have certainly seen such a scene played out countless times in an array of movies over the years.

The hard truth is that rarely in real-life are any of us able to sway others as well as we might like without first being prepared and well-versed on whatever it is we are talking about. Influencing others is rarely possible without first talking the time to prepare. Who is it you are attempting to communicate with? What is the audience's key interests? What information can you collect and even master to add strength to your communication effort? Read before writing. Homework before presentation. Look before leap. All these catch-phrases point to the same message: effective communication rarely occurs by accident.

Friday, August 24, 2018

Achieving Control

One would be hard-pressed to identify a feeling that feels better than being in control. Think about it. So much spins around us each day over which we have no control: the way people behave, rules that we have to follow, even how people perceive us. Imagine being about able to control all that, not necessarily for any negative reasons, but in a way that fosters good will, harmony and order. For instance, how great would it be if  as a supervisor we were able to control how people liked working for us? Or suppose, as a parent, you were able to control how your children felt about doing their homework; instead of resisting it, your kids would actually look forward to it?

Generally, I believe people approach each day with the best of intentions. They genuinely want others to be ok and carry out their days in ways that do no harm to their fellow man. To have an opportunity to actually ensure that such a scenario happens would be hard for any of us to resist. Such a goal is what each of us strives to meet when it comes to how we communicate. We want others to think well of us, so we choose to be polite and positive, for example. There is, of course, nothing wrong with that. But what causes such a good-faith effort to go off-track is when our individual communication strategies fall short of our expectations.

"I gave my boss a big smile and he still ignored me." or "I patiently explained to my daughter that doing her homework now would help her for what the family has planned later today, but she kept texting her friends any way." We try to control or at the very least influence via these communication efforts, yet fail to achieve what we view as reasonable goals. This points to a hard truth: not all communication works. As great as benevolence might be, there remains no guarantee the end result will be what we want. No wonder those rare times when we can and do control outcomes feel so good. The trick, then, is not to forego kindness or good intentions. Rather, for all of us, it should be seeking ways to communicate effectively.




Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Negativity Begets Negativity

Even by climate change standards, Korea has had a rough summer. Since the beginning of July, temperatures have hovered consistently in the mid to high 90s. The result is many folks have spent their free time indoors. Chores were carried out only when necessary and outings have been kept to a minimum. Even the lore of getting a nice tan lost its appeal due to the blistering and uncompromising heat. In commenting on the weather, it is worth noting how it does have a ripple effect. The extreme heat just did not happen in a vacuum. In the case of Korea, it triggered changes in behavior.

In my time of living and working in Korea, one source of pleasure was and is the close attention that people give to maintaining a clean and neat environment. For instance, sidewalks and pathways are usually kept clear of brush to help make it easier for walkers and bikers to travel. This has not been the case this summer. It has simply been far too hot for people to work outdoors for any length of time. Consequently, the Incheon area in which I work and live simply has not been as clean-cut as it normally is. The weather has caused people to cut back on what normally would be regular behavior. While I understand the change, nevertheless find it to be unfortunate.         

Looking at this cause and affect, I am reminded that one of the consequences of negative behavior is that it can and does have an equal impact on communication. It is not uncommon, for instance, for rude actions to shut people down. When a person yells, insults others and acts in unpleasant ways, it is not unusual for those around him or her to turn the other way. Some may go silent while others may yell back. The point is unacceptable or inappropriate communicating often begets more and equal negative communicating. When this happens, nobody wins. The trick, then, is for all of us to keep doing all we can to choose civility over incivility.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

Swimming in the Ocean

Not too long ago I had the thrill of swimming in the Pacific Ocean. It is something I have wanted to do for years now so when the opportunity finally arose, I eagerly took advantage of it. Mind you, I only splashed around for a short period of time. Still, it was fun and felt good to cross one more item off my personal bucket list. I won't go into much detail as there is not much more to share other than this: swimming in the ocean is a challenge, one much more difficult than being in a swimming pool. In the ocean, one has to contend with strong currents, deep waters, the fact the water is salty, and living creatures that may not always be friendly. In a swimming pool, other than perhaps other people, the resistance is minimal.

Putting aside opportunity, my theory is people are more attracted to swimming pools because they are far easier than oceans. Pools are known and oceans are not. In this sense, such a construct does relate to communication. People seem to much prefer communicating with those with whom they agree than those they do not. Communicating with those on the "same page" is so much easier and, let's be honest, often more enjoyable, then trying to connect with one who does not see things the way we do.  Having to defend our perspective and put together some sort of cogent argument is not nearly as easy as having talk off the cuff and have what we say met with nods and reinforcement.

Perhaps one lesson here is that it is human nature to choose an easier path. Not for a moment will I deny that is not the case with me in many ways. Having said that, however, such a reality is unfortunate. All of us would better serve ourselves and others if we attempted to communicate "in the ocean" rather than in "swimming pools." The harder we work at interacting effectively with others the greater are the chances of our establishing lasting harmony. As a result, all of us need to do far more ocean swimming than we do.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Panama Hats

How many people can say they have actually and held a Panama hat being sold for $7,000? Whatever the answer to that is, my name can be added to the list. At a Panama hat shop located inside the famous Royal Hawaiian Hotel in Honolulu, this treasure is waiting for some lover of hats to claim it for their own. There are, of course, other, similar Montecristi hats - all fine - in this shop but none quite like it. You may wonder, what makes this particular hat so much more special than its lesser-priced counterparts? The answer is founding in the weaving; specifically in the tightness and consistency of the weave.

I am definitely no expert on how Panama hats are made, but I do know enough to know they are made with a great deal of care. The process followed, according to the shop manager, involves hand-weaving by what he called "master artisans." Very impressive indeed. What I found most impressive is the attention to detail given in the construction of these hats. The result is, as best I can tell, are products of the highest quality regardless of whether they sell for $50 or $7,000. How bad of a pun would it be for me say, "hats off" to the folks at Montecristi and the work they do on behalf. Of their product?

Montecristi is successful because of their detailed effort. This is not unlike effective communication plans. To be as successful as possible requires much attention to detail. For instance, communicators must focus on their message in terms of its tone and presentation. At the same time, equal attention must be given to ways in which intended receivers of the message prefer receiving new information. Among communicators, it is not uncommon for more attention to be given to the best ways to send a message rather than how it might best be received. Such a shortage of detail should not be tolerated, particularly as this relates to how well people connect.

Thursday, August 9, 2018

Book Signing

One of the great things about a new experience is that it can be quite positive. I would had one this week. It was my first book signing. Earlier this summer my first children's book, "A Hilltop in Jymbob." As part of an effort to promote it, a book signing was arranged at a small but cozy venue in Brooklyn called Pinkyzplace. Going there, I was not sure what to expect, particularly since it was being held on a sunny, week-day afternoon. Would any one even be there? As it turned out, two kids, one accompanied by his grandparents and the other by her mother, were on-hand. Granted, not the biggest of turn-outs. Nevertheless, I was happy to have any one there.

The actual reading went well enough. The little girl in attendance was very attentive. The little boy, on the other hand, seemed more fascinated by a transformer-type truck than he did my book. (But in fairness to me, the truck was pretty cool.) At the conclusion of the reading, the girl's Mom was nice enough to purchase a copy of my book. That aside, what my main take-away from this experience? It is this: If a person is going to try and sell a something, such as a product or an idea, it is not enough to sell the actual item. Their first priority must be to, in a sense, sell themselves. Potential buyers or supporters are not going to support what is being sold unless they first believe in the seller.

This is what makes the act of communication so personal. Each time we reach out to another, we are putting ourselves on the line. "Believe in me." "Take a chance on me." These are the underlying and not-so-subtle messages of our pitch. Those on the receiving are far more likely to hitch their wagon to another person than they are a concept or some sort of thing. This is why, at my book reading, I tried hard to make those folks who attended feel welcomed and appreciated for taking the time to be with me. As good as whatever it is any of us might be promoting, the reality is rarely does it sell itself. Behind it must be a personable person.


    

Sunday, August 5, 2018

Complexity In Motion

Let's return to basics for a few moments. We are all creatures that communicate. We do it all the time in all ways at our disposal. In fact, at times we even communicate messages that we do not intend to disclose. Body language or facial expressions, for example, are big giveaways. On top of that, we are so sophisticated when it comes to communicating that we even have the ability to put forth false or misleading designed to mask how we might really feel about something. And then there is our unmatched ability to communicate exactly how we feel or believe about something. Given all that, there are simply no better communicators on the planet than human beings. High five to us!

Given this reality that we are so darn good at communicating, however, the question remains: how come there is so much conflict, misunderstanding, intolerance and ignorance in the world? Humans are indeed "masters of the university," to borrow Thomas Wolfe's great descriptive. Despite that, we sure could and should be better at it than we are. I confess that the cynical part of me believes that the many times we fall short from communicating effectively is often-times purposeful. We deliberately mislead. We deliberately sabotage interactions. We deliberately take steps to squash voices other than our own.

Do we do this all the time? No. Do all of us do it? Fortunately, no. Yet it cannot be denied that this sort of negativity occurs on a very regular basis. Let's face it: as adept as we are at communicating, we are also quite good at communicating poorly and ineffectively. So, what's the deal with our split personalities when it comes to communicating? How come one moment we can be spot-on when it comes to helping facilitate an effective and respectful communication exchange and then turn around the next and - on purpose - in a sense turn lemonade back into a lemon? Obviously, the answer revolves our own psychological profiles and circumstances in which we find ourselves each day. No wonder the act of communicating remains very complex.

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Achieving Communication Essence

In Herman Hesse's famous book, "Siddhartha," the title character is described as having the singular goal of becoming empty; specifically, to empty himself of such things as desire, dreams, joy and sorrow in order that he be open to "miracles in unselfed thinking." Why, you might wonder, would any one want to do that? Siddhartha would respond by saying to attain such a state would allow him to achieve his innermost essence. To that, I say, "good luck." Particularly in a world today filled with far too much anger, intolerance and willful ignorance, experiencing most any level of inner peace sounds awfully good.

To play-off  Hesse and his character, when it comes to communication, it seems there are two primary goals that all of us share: to empty ourselves and to fill ourselves. By "empty," I refer to our desire to be heard, share our thoughts and knowledge. By "fill," I mean our desire to learn, collect information and interact with others. For one to achieve what Hesse might refer to as a kind of  communication essence, it seems they would need to strike a equal and sustained balance of maintaining both goals at the same time. Emptying one's self while not filling themselves equally, for instance, would represent an imbalance of communication.

My sense of the current communication climate within the United States is that a great imbalance exists. There is far too much emptying and not nearly enough filling. Many folks seem to want to be heard but are not nearly are as interested in hearing or listening. In other words, there is far too much talking at and not nearly enough talking with. With such an imbalance, it is not a surprise that there is as much tension, miscommunication, anger, and outright deceit as there is throughout our nation's landscape. The answer is for all of us to do more about striking a better balance; achieving greater communication essence. Doing so won't eliminate disagreement, but it sure will take much of the air out of the tension that we are witnessing and experiencing.