Sunday, March 29, 2009

Classic Communication Mistake

We have seen the movie a thousand times: the hero is captured and about to be killed by the baddie. But just before it happens, the hero asks the baddie how and why he(or she) performed the dastardly deeds that led to great havoc and chaos. The baddie chortles and then tells everything, confident the hero is going to die in a few moments. The baddie then departs, leaving the death of the hero to their underlings. Naturally, the hero breaks free, beats up the underlings, and goes on to save the day, not only capturing and/or killing the baddie but now knowing how to undo all the problems that have been created because of the baddie's loose lips. It is, among other things, a classic communication mistake. Why, we wonder on our drive home from the movie theater, did not the baddie simply shoot the hero instead of spilling the beans on everything? The answer falls under the heading of institutional arrogance. It is not uncommon

This can be found in many organizations as well. Look at the evaluation process that many profit and non-profit organizations have today. The boss evaluates their workers and tells them whether their work is satisfactory. This exchange is largely, if not totally, one way with little or no opportunity for the worker to assess the performance of their boss. Why not? Why are many organizational superiors insensitive or hesitant to provide their people with opportunities to not only evaluate them, but also provide meaningful feedback on how they and the organization itself can and should be doing a better or more effective job? It is another case of institutional arrogance.

I am in no way implyjng that bosses are bad people or that they do not care about the welfare of their organization or the people they employ. Reality dictates the opposiie is much more the norm. But when it comes to evaluations, one-way communication seems to dominate. For meaningful and lasting professional and even personal partnerships to florish, then they must ride on the wings of two-way communication, true collaboration, and mutual trust.

The late Studs Terkel once observed that the big guys who ties and sit behind big desks are not necessarily the smartest people in the room. If they were, they would know the value that talking-with has over talking-at and then begin practicing it.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Conflict and Communication

Conflict is one of those words that in many ways has gotten a bum rap over the years. We hear of a conflict and immediately the image of two people involved in a shouting match or, worse yet, countries in armed battle. The reality of those images is unpleasant and disturbing. Who wants that? On a personal level, conflict is something many of us avoid even at the risk of putting off conversations that are necessary in order to address a sensitive issue. Life, after all, is at its best when all sailing is smooth and there are no bumps or rocky situations with which to contend.

But there is an upside to conflict. With the proper communication, it can actually be of benefit to any relationship or organization. Take a family situation, for example, where finances are an issue. Money can often be a sensitive topic, especially when things are tight and people have different priorities. At the same time, however, it needs to be addressed, particularly if a family is going to successfully navigate times when they are economically challenged. If the parties involved approach such a conversation with respect and love and openness - all solid criteria for successful communication - then their ideas can be expressed and shared. There is much higher opportunity for such a conflict to not get out of hand or turn ugly. When given an opportunity to be heard, people develop a greater sense of ownership and responsibility toward achieving the greater good rather than just pursuing their own desires. Such a scenario requires good faith listening.

Conflict in the work place in the work place is another example. If carried out in a similarly open and good faith manner, then it can provide workers with an opportunity to be heard and feel as if they are playing a more significant role in the success of their organization. As a result, their morale is raised. At the same time, conflict can also motive managers to better articulate their own vision and strategic thinking. The bottom line is people feel more connected rather than put-off or alienated.

Conflict or differences of opinion are not always easy to deal with, especially when emotions are running high. But those same emotions can be turned from negative to positive with the proper communication. While even the best or most effective communication won't eliminate negative conflict entirely, it can reduce it and help make unpleasant encounters much more constructive.

Monday, March 23, 2009

The Murkiness of Communication

Something I have been wrestling with lately is lying. On the face of it, lying is one of those acts where there appears to be no middle ground. Yet, more and more, I am coming to the realization that so-called lying is a very fuzzy and murky topic. For instance, if a man tells his wife he is going to the office, but instead spends the afternoon at the racetrack, then that's a lie. We all wag our fingers at this individual and condemn him for his deception. But suppose that same man tell his wife that he's going to the office but instead meets with various people to plan an elaborate surprise birthday party for his wife. That's a lie, too. Right? Yet not too many people would be quick to condemn the man for doing this. In fact, many might even give him a "thumbs up." Does this, then, make the lie in one of these scenarios "good" and the other "bad?"And what about the advertisement that suggests our social life will be improved considerably if we begin using a certain brand of toothpaste? This is a lie, isn't it? Is it good? Bad? Acceptable? Unacceptable?

Throughout each of our days and lives, all of us are on the receiving end of thousands and thousands of pieces of information. My theory is that we as we gain greater experience we become better at filtering or processing the information we receive and ultimately making judgments on falsehoods that are acceptable and ones that are not. When information began coming out that the Bush administration's declaration that Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction was false, for many this was a deal-breaker in terms of giving them any future support. For others, however, it was not.

Effective communication, in many ways, is another murky topic. For some, a particular communication effort may be effective while for another it may not. But one key that helps determine the effectiveness or success of any communication effort is its intent or purpose. Does it attempt to contribute to a just purpose or is it strictly being carried out with an intent to deceive and misinform? While it is true that sometimes dishonest communication efforts are successful, this unfortunate piece of reality should not dissuade any of us from agreeing that successful communication must be driven by positive intent. This does not necessarily remove the whole question of lies, but it does help separate the good ones from the bad.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

A Rabbit Out of a Hat

Have you ever seen anyone pull a rabbit out of a hat? I have never seen it done in person but as a result of watching a ton of variety shows on television while growing up, I can honestly say I have seen it done many times. It's always fun and I always feel good for the rabbit who, I assume, must feel awfully cramped inside that hat while it waits to be pulled out. (Full disclosure: Even though I have seen this trick done quite often, I am still not sure how it's done. And while I'm on the subject, how do they get all those clowns inside that tiny car?) In the world of communication, there is another trick with which all of us are faced on a regular basis: pulling consensus out of disagreement. How is it done? What's the secret?

I begin by acknowledging that disagreements are rarely fun and are often upsetting and stressful, especially if you are butting heads with a friend or family member. But the same holds true for disagreements with others as well. These encounters can be emotional and frustrating and, at times, all-consuming in determining our mood for the rest of the day. Yet, because we are emotional creatures with our own perspectives and biases, they are inevitable. They
happen and will continue doing so for as long as our species inhabits the planet.

Despite that truism, however, there are others that override it. They can be summed up in one word: commonality. We have much more in common than not. Starting with the fact we are all emotional, others include our fundamental need for validation, desire to be heard, recognized, accepted, and possessing a sense of belonging. These are among the hierarchy of needs that were first put forth by Abraham Maslow. When we are in the middle of a disagreement, often times it is these needs that we are displaying as much as the wish the other person agree with us. In communication, the key to success is knowing one's audience and adapting your message to speak to their needs and interests. This is done by listening and validating the other person's point of view. Doing so does not necessarily lead to agreement, but it can help keep disputes from getting out of hand and, therefore, improve the odds that the parties involved will be more willing to seek consensus or harmony.

A final point: I recognize this is not always easy to do, especially if we are angry or hurt. But when head butting occurs, the more we can remember our commonalities, the sooner we can help establish an atmosphere that is conducive for the sharing those and other feelings .

Monday, March 16, 2009

The Communication Revolution

One of the great mad rushes in United States history was the famous gold rush of 1849. In many ways, it has become the stuff of legend and folklore. Many participated but only a few actually struck it rich. One result of this period of time was the population of the still-young nation took a giant leap in spreading out over what came to be called the continental United States. Now, fast forward to the 21st century and we find ourselves in the midst of another mad rush. This time, however, instead of gold as the ultimate prize, it is superior communication.

Technological advancements coupled with a range of desires to connect more easily with others and, for that matter, the world have led to numerous innovations and lifestyle changes. One example can be found in such communication vehicles as electronic mail, text messaging and blackberries. A whole new language is emerging right before our eyes as a result of these and other technological advancements. Young people especially are literally developing a new abbreviated way of connecting with each other that is light years different than more traditional forms such as letters. (By the way, is there any one who still writes letters?) Sentences are more cryptic. Familiar words are being reduced to sounds - example "are you" is now " R U" - and spelled differently.

My sense is what we are witnessing and only beginning to grasp today is still in the process of transitioning into something else. Much like the gold rush of the 19th century, there is no one in-charge of this phenomenon, nor should there be. But at the same time more and more people are getting on board. In the case of this communication revolution, the big-picture result will be the total re-transformation of our society. It remains an exciting ride.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Communication as a Tool

We do not live in a perfect world. (I hope you are not hearing this for first time.) But, sadly, it is true. There are people in this world who are not tellers of truth. There are also those who are not generous of heart when it comes to things like sharing or being inclusive. Another reality is that we live in a "we" world and not in one where it is "every man for himself." I know, however, there are days when it certainly feels that way just as I know there are those who disagree with that philosophy. But with our planet's limited resources and growing populations, the concept of inclusiveness becomes more relevant. I express this sentiment not to come across as some apple pie type person, but rather as a believer in and practitioner of communication and someone who has a good sense of its ever-increasing significance in giving one means with which to cope.

The very nature of communication is one of partnership. Whether you exchange smiles with a passer-by on the street, share a transaction with a teller at the local bank, or participate in a lengthy interaction with someone you know, for the duration of those connections you are part of an unspoken bond with that person. You are partners who are sharing moments of time together with a shared goal of making the best of it. This, as odd as it may sound, is even the case when there is disagreement. In those cases, both of you are still seeking to find common ground or agreement on some level.

Communication is a tool or device much like a hammer. How it is used rests on the shoulders of the person who steps up to the microphone, sits behind the desk, walks through their door at night and is greeted by their family, or even participates in drafting legislation. It can be used to build or tear down; reinforce or weaken; praise or damn; enlighten or mislead; reach out or turn away; inform or shut down. One thing communication by itself will never do is make our imperfect world perfect. But we will never come even close to perfection without it.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Lessons From a Cat

I am a dog person. I think they are fun and comforting. But this is not to say I do not like other animals and other pets. While I would not say goldfish as pets, for instance, are great, I will concede they are low maintenance. I like cats, too, but not as much as dogs. At present, however, we have two cats in our house. One is social and prefers being around people. As far as the other goes, I can only assume it must have had a traumatic "kittenhood" experience because it seems as if its one goal in life each day is to avoid contact with any other living creature. My guess is if we did own a goldfish, then this cat would do all it could to avoid any kind of interaction with that as well. But this entry is not about that particular cat but rather about the one that is more social.

Several months ago I was quietly reading while the cat was lounging next to me. With one hand I was holding the book and the other stroking the animal's back. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the cat bit me. I was surprised and annoyed because I did not - and still don't if you must know - feel I was doing anything to deserve that. Since then, the same thing has happened twice to my wife. What's the deal here? The answer, I believe, lies in our not exhibiting good communication skills.

Cats, like all animals, have limited tools of communication. For instance, they are not like telemarketers whose communication abilities seem to run the full spectrum of calling us during dinner or at 9 o'clock on Sunday evenings. But I digress. The cat was letting us know it did not want to be scratched. My guess is, if we had been paying closer attention to this audience of one, then we might have noticed earlier signals the cat was giving us before it resorted to biting. For communication to be successful, then the sender of messages needs to know their audience. At those particular times, we were focused more on our message of scratching - showing affection - than we were on the needs of the audience to whom it was intended. Unfortunately, our audience - the cat - did not want to be scratched. It was merely happy sitting next to us. Any time any of us attempt to communicate, it is important to develop a good sense of who or even what it is we are attempting to connect with. Audiences have needs and interests. We all do. We are more likely to be receptive to persons who speak to those needs and interests in ways we can best understand. If that does not happen, then we more likely to tune them out or express our displeasure in what is being said to us. It is important for communicators to be sensitive to this reality. Lesson learned. By the way, the cat is doing fine, but I still prefer dogs.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Communication and Technology

When it comes to technology, there are so many things in the world I do not understand. More and more, it seems, with each passing day. With a cyber highway filled with such things as facebook, My Space, twittering - twittering? - texting, and blogging, to name a few, I tip my hat to those who are able to navigate their way through and around these communication channels. For me, I feel grateful I am able to email others without falling over myself more than I do. It is almost as exciting as when I learned how to use a telephone. (Well, almost.)

But with all these new and still-evolving technological progressions, the fundamental question is: Are people now communicating more effectively than ever before? Thanks to them, have we eliminated or at least reduced that old bugga boo "the misunderstanding?" Are people now more in sync than ever before because they are able to IM each other or give "real time" accounts of something they are witnessing or experiencing? Has facebook led us to the communication promised land? My optimistic response to these questions is that I am not sure. My instinct, however, says they have not. Despite my own ineptness, believe or not, I applaud these technological advancements and embrace others that will follow. But even more than that, I cheer any actions or tools that actually help two people or various publics connect; help them lay down one building block after another toward greater harmony and mutual adjustment.

While the various communication technologies certainly enable us to send out messages a lot faster than ever before, the reality is none of us should be lulled into the false perspective that they replace active dialog where the parties make efforts to know their audience, speak to the needs and wishes of each other, engage in listening, and help ensure that consensus of some sort has been reached. I question whether the technologies of today are helping any of us in respectful engagement. These electronic tools are not to be confused with the lottery where a winning ticket can make us instant millionaires. Effective communication is labor intensive. Technology, at least at present, is not a substitute. To think otherwise is a mistake.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Communicating What We Want

I want what I want and I want it now! How many times have we heard someone around us say that or something very similar to it? How many times have we ourselves thought that? In my case, at least, more often than I care to admit. Nevertheless, it is a sentiment many of us share from time to time as well as a challenge because the fact is there are things we all want; and at times those desires come when we are not feeling particularly patient. Here are a couple of other ingredients to add to this mix: those periodic feelings are never going to go away and striving to get what we want is something we will never be able to do alone. Whether it is a special item on sale at the store, a fun vacation or even time for ourselves, decisions we make to satisfy or fulfill our own needs requires communicating that information to others.

The challenge is in how we go about communicating our wants, assuming we want the appropriate people to support us or, at the very least, accept what we have to say. One way, of course, is by pounding our fist on the table and then storming out of the room. However, rarely does any situation call for this kind of behavior. Besides, while doing this may look good in a movie, the fact is it turns people off and does not build meaningful bridges with any one. Another strategy I do not recommend is what I call the "I fly at dawn" scenario where you break the news to those around you at the last moment. Occasionally, this may be necessary but as a general rule it is good to keep these times to a minimum.

If we do a good job of communicating openly and respectfully with those around us, then when times arise when we need to communicate new information, then doing so becomes more of an extension of conversations that are already underway. There is less stress, less drama and greater chances of buy-in. One of the benefits of good communication is that it fosters support and inclusivity. Healthy dialog generates healthy exchanges and sharing. It also tends to bring people into your world and make them more open to being part of being positive partners and support.