Thinking the Best of the Other

Thanksgiving 2019 is now in the history books. Some of my friends and family attended big shindigs while others spent the day in a  more low-key way. For my wife and I, the day was very much in the latter category. Just the two of us. Nevertheless, it was a special day for us as we made a point of giving each other appreciations for us as life-partners and for so many aspects of our lives as well. (One of those aspects for me did not include the extra pounds I have put on lately. But you can bet I will appreciate them the moment I get rid of them.) Still, for us, Thanksgiving 2019 was a good day and I hope it was that way for everyone else, too.

One big element of our lives to which my wife and I gave thanks was how much we have improved as communicators as it applies to each other. After over 26 years of marriage, we have gotten much better at communicating in ways that keep misunderstandings to a minimum. But the best part of that, according to us, is we have improved significantly in dealing with the misunderstandings when they do occur. I remember all too well all the eye-rolling and hand-wringing and raised voices whenever miscues or disagreements did occur. Believe me, none of those times were ever fun. They still aren't, of course, but the good news is they do not occur all that much any more. How come?

From my perspective, I believe my wife and I have learned to appreciate each other more and keep that realization at the forefront of our minds much better than we used to. The result is when we do bump heads, we are more quick to remind ourselves that the other is really a "good egg" and that we love them. This takes the air out of whatever negativity is bouncing back and forth between us during those "unfun" times. While thinking the best of each other may not be revolutionary when it comes to getting along, it an element of communicating that is working for us. It certainly helped make this year's Thanksgiving all the better. 

Negative and Positive Liberty

One thing on which all of us agree is that we all have challenges. They could range from getting the kids ready for school every morning and balancing our checkbook to negotiating a contract dispute between labor and management and figuring out how much to tip the person who served us at a restaurant. The challenges are big and small, consequential and insignificant, and self-generated and externally-imposed. How well we face them helps determine the quality of our lives both from an immediate perspective and from a far more long term determination. Regardless of the kind or source of the challenge, another point on which we can agree is that they never really go away.

As it applies to our challenges, philosopher Isaiah Berlin identifies two kinds of concepts with which we all contend: "negative liberty" and "positive liberty." Negative liberty is a freedom from external obstacles or constraints in that people are not held back from taking some sort of action.
An example of an external constraint might be peer pressure. Positive liberty is freedom from internal constraints that otherwise might hold people back. An example of an internal constraint might be feelings of guilt. According to Berlin, having a level of positive and negative liberty calls for persons to have control of their own mind, including not being confined by irrational fears or false information.   

To communicate effectively requires a strong sense of Berlin's two concepts. This includes knowing one's own mind and having strong convictions based on facts and experience and a deep sense of sensitivity in terms of the attitudes and level of knowledge possessed by outside elements. We cannot communicate as well as we might like unless we are, in a sense, liberated from forces that potentially impede any advancements we wish to make. To acquire such liberty is not easy. Doing so represents another challenge, one that is vital to our success and ability to connect with others. .

Subordinates Need Strong Communication Skills, Too

When looking at organizations - big or small - a preponderance of the attention given them has revolved around the boss or supervisor. This is certainly understandable as it is the head honcho that oversees the operation, the efforts of its employees, and is held responsible for the overall success of the organization itself. Without question, challenges that the supervisor faces have deserved the attention that researchers and others have given this professional and the role they play. My most recent posting, in fact, pertained to supervisors and the difficult communication challenges they address on a daily basis.

As we know, there is another key player in any organization: the subordinate. This person deserves their fair-share of analysis, too, especially when it comes to communication. While they may not always have much of a say in what their responsibilities are, they do often carry the burden of determining ways to meet them. In addition, these professionals have the extra challenges of devising strategies to work well with their colleagues as well as figure out ways to grow and ultimately advance in their careers. If this was not enough, subordinates also have to determine ways to get along with those to whom they report.

A supervisor is one of many. A subordinate is part of "the many." It is vital that they blend in to help ensure their organization functions smoothly as an overall entity. At the same time, the subordinate is an individual with their own goals, ambition and personality. How do they reconcile the two in such a way that addresses their needs as well as those of the organization? To add to that, how do they achieve those important objectives in a way that enables them to not alienate the other members of the organization?  Without question, subordinates do not have it easy either. This is why they, too, need solid communication skills.

Becoming Boss

Becoming boss of an office full of people is no small thing. No matter the size of the staff or what their collective responsibilities might be, being the "head honcho" is akin to lifting up a heavy boulder and carrying it around on your shoulders with no break or time-off. As boss, you are the focus of everyone who reports to you. Even on those days when they are busy trying to carry out their individual tasks, you are a dominating part of their thoughts. What will be the boss think? Will the boss approve of how I am doing my work? Should I check in with the boss before I get started? These and countless similar questions plague and drive each staff member.

As the boss, it is a big part of your job to make sure everyone under you does their work to the best of their ability. But what is their "best?" How well do you define that for each member of your staff? How clearly do you assess their performance in terms of judging how close they come to their best? How well do you give each staff member feedback on their performance? How well you, the boss, addresses each of those questions speaks directly to your communication skills. If you are lacking as a communicator, then it has a negative impact on how well your people perform. But if your communication skills are strong, then your people are more likely to do well.

One element that both supervisor and subordinate have in common is that communication determines the success of their work. For the boss to be an effective communicator, they must be well-rounded in their approach to others. Further, they must possess all the needed ingredients to be able to consistently connect with others: be articulate, empathetic, a good and active listener, knowledgeable, a hard worker, and transparent. On top of all that, they must be those things day-in and day-out. Being viewed as a good communicator requires more than doing well every-so-often. Instead, it must be done well every time at bat. Every day. All season long.

Making Faces

Have you ever looked in the mirror and, just to fun, see how many funny expressions you can make? I have though it has been a while. While I did not spend a whole lot of time doing it, I came up with over a dozen. I remember thinking at the time that that was a lot and that if I really tried, I could probably come up with a lot more. Boy, I had no idea.. In his new and delightful new book, "The Body," author Bill Bryson reports that the average person has the ability to make anywhere between forty-one hundred and ten thousand different facial expressions. To day the least, that is a long time in front of the mirror.

It also means we have an amazing number of tools in our arsenal when it comes to non-verbal communication. It is sure a lot more than I ever realized. Such a number strongly suggests that despite all our technological advances in communication, we have only scratched the surface when it comes to our ability to communicate with others. Imagine that. With our face alone, we have thousands of ways to tell someone else that we love or dislike them or approve or disapprove of their actions or want to or not get to know them better. In the world of communication, such a sizable arsenal represents a great deal of power. And that is just in the face!

In our current political environment, there seems to be a greater intensity of division than we any of us have seen in generations. Yet with the nearly 40 muscles in our face, the ability to make a significant dent in that troublesome reality is literally right in front of our noses. When talking with another who lets fly with opinions we abhor, with a simple moving of our mouth or squinting of our eyes, we can let that person know that their while their views are not to my liking, I still think they are a good person worthy of getting to know or, at least, spending time with. That strikes me as power worth using. And it all comes from making faces.

"How do I want this to end?"

The other day while having a leisurely lunch with a good friend - a fellow retiree - we got to talking about his work as a key administrator at a large university. (I am purposely keeping his identity vague so as not to invade his privacy.) In terms of dealing with the hundreds of folks that reported to him, either directly or indirectly, there were times when he and others did not always see eye-to-eye. Occasionally, he said, tempers would rise. I asked him how he handled conflict, particularly during those bumpy patches. First and foremost, he responded, his initial priority was to not lose his own temper. That, he knew, would only make matters worse.

Equally as important, my friend said he was able to keep himself on an even-keel and keep the disagreements respectful and prevent them from escalating into shouting matches that would do-harm to his working relationship with his colleagues as well as make it more difficult to reconcile the issue at-hand by keeping the following question at the forefront of his thoughts: "How do I want this to end?" His said his answer was always the same:  he never wanted to destroy his working relationship with others and he always wanted to properly address the issue that was the focus of their interaction. As a result, he made a point of communicating in a way that helped ensure those overriding goals were always met.

What we communicate and how we communicate are never not the deciding factors when it comes to contending with disagreements with others. There, of course, is always the option of out-yelling the other person or bullying them into submission. But doing that detracts from any long-term relationship one might have with another. Being respectful, a good listener and well-spoken, and maintaining an air of collegiality are key ingredients toward achieving desired end-results. My friend was wise to recognize this and strong enough to practice it. This is why he was so good at his job and held in high regard while doing it.   

Extreme Fighting

I remember a time - not all that along ago - when everyone knew who the heavyweight boxing champion of the world was. Even non-boxing or sports fans. It was akin to knowing who the President of the United States. It was one of those factoids that everyone simply knew. Nowadays my guess is hardly anyone other than hardcore boxing fans know a fella named Andy Ruiz, Jr. of Cuba is the champ as recognized by the World Boxing Association, World Boxing Organization and the International Boxing Federation. (A guy named Deontay Wilder of the US is heavyweight champ, according to the World Boxing Council.) Full disclosure: I had to look up the name of the current champ(s).

These days professional fighting is not like it used to be. It is not an exaggeration to say it is much more extreme. Kicking is allowed. Hitting an opponent while they are on the mat is ok, too. Even professional wrestling at carried out at a far different level with a lot more acrobatics and spectacular costumes and theatrics. Mind you, it is not my intent to criticize this new reality here as I readily acknowledge professional fighting for men and women seems to be very popular at present. Why within the past few weeks even the President of the United States attended an evening of extreme fighting. By any standards that is not a small thing.

I mention all this as I see a comparison between the current state of professional fighting and what I will call public communication. The world of public communication is in the form of commentators on television and radio and many of the guests who appear on their various programs. The hosts, generally, seem to be louder. Many of the guests seem to have no problem talking over each other to drive  home their points. Even name calling is not totally "out of the blue" when it comes to the public jousting that occurs on our airwaves. The similarity between professional fighting and public communication is not a good thing, at least for those of us who enjoy the public communication programs. Ideally, they should enlighten and raise one's level of social conscious, not thrill in the way an atomic knee drop might.

"Human Scum"

Recently, President Trump's press secretary, Stephanie Grisham, called her boss' critics "human scum." Upon reading that, my initial response was "Wow." Such a comment by a person whose job it is to present their boss and organization in the best possible light is unbelievable. More than that, it runs completely counter to a press secretary's mandate of serving as a bridge builder between that which they represent and those with which they seek to connect. Press secretaries are windows. In Grisham's case, her responsibility is to provide the public with insight into the mindset of President Trump - the nation's top public servant - and do so in a way that is transparent, inviting and, above all, honest.    

By calling his critics "human scum," Grisham did her boss a major and irreparable disservice. While I have no doubt her comment accurately reflects Trump's opinion of those who criticize or second-guess his behavior and decisions, her job is to ensure the "welcome mat" is always open to all citizens, regardless of their current assessment of The White House. I concede that doing that, particularly with a boss such as Trump, is not easy, the reality is bosses are not always at their best and, as a result, sometimes need to be protected from themselves. Grisham failed to do that. She magnified his worst instincts and probably turned a spotlight on hers as well. Shame on him and her.

As one who worked closely with the media and public in a number of capacities, including press secretary, for much of my career, I know how frustrating being a spokesperson can be. You stand in front of a microphone and are have to address questions that are difficult, unfair, at times nasty, awkward, and not ready to be answered. It is, at times, a thankless job because no one else wants to do, including your boss, and one slip-up and suddenly it is your job that is on-the-line. Good press secretaries have integrity. They recognize their job, ideally, rises above the immediate wishes of their boss and speaks to maintaining positive ties with the general public. Sadly, Grisham does not  understand that.

Change Versus Improvement

The other day we were browsing at one of the Best Buy stores in our neighborhood only to learn that it was in the process of shutting down. The reason: it is not getting the foot traffic needed to survive. This, of course, is not the only example of a well-known store that is closing its doors due to the evolving purchasing habits of customers. For several years now, more and more folks have been doing much of their shopping on-line. While I recognize and understand that change, I confess to feeling regret at the consequences of that reality. Whether it is our local Best Buy outlet, Sears, Radio Shack or the numerous familiar long-standing entities that have closed down, our retail landscape is now in the process of becoming something different that what it was.

In his famous book, "Origin of the Species," Charles Darwin observed that survival is based on how well one adapts to their ever-changing environment. Those that can't or don't cease to exist. This is why dinosaurs, though often big and scary, are no longer around. Communication, obviously, is still very much with us. The obvious reason is because people still roam the planet and as social creatures, we communicate non-stop. In numerous ways, however, how we communicate is different than how we used to. One quick example is the still-rising popularity of social media. Nobody tweeted during the administration of either President Roosevelt, to state one easy (and perhaps silly) example.

As an aside, it is worth noting that evolution does not automatically mean one is getting better. The Earth's environment is change due to climate change or global warming. I do not know anyone who is pleased with that reality. Nevertheless, it is forcing mankind to begin making adjustments to how it lives. Much continues to be written by scholars as to how all of us communicate nowadays versus how we used to. Our environment is changing. While it is good that we are adjusting, what remains in-question is whether the changes we are making are improvements. This continues to be a topic worth exploring.