Expressing Disappointment

Is there ever an easy or even comfortable way to tell someone you are not happy with something they have done without hurting their feelings? To make such a task even more difficult, the circumstance is usually such that what they have done has caused you some degree of hardship or inconvenience. Consequently, you are upset. It is challenging for any of us to maintain complete composure when what we are feeling ranges anywhere from annoyance to exasperation to anger. Given that, we have to sit down with the person who messed up, thus causing us problems, and confront them about it - not knowing what their reaction might be. How responsive will they be to what we say? Will they respond with anger, a string of excuses, tears, silence, or even agreement?      


Often, how the person who made the mistake responds depends on how we are when we tell them. If we are respectful, calm, non-threatening and focus on the misdeed rather than the person him or herself, then the chances are they will respond in-kind, On the other hand, if our voice is raised and we do not hold back in terms of our critical comments, then it is possible their response will be equally animated, thus raising the exchange to an unpleasant confrontation that does little to address the problem and a lot to help create a wedge between you and the other person. When that happens, no one wins. In fact, everyone is worse off than they were before the conversation occurred.


It is times such as this when one's communication skills are put to the test. Any time we feel particularly emotional about something, it is extremely tempting to let those with whom we are talking know about what we are feeling, particularly if we are upset and they are the cause of those negative emotions. One way to cope with such a scenario is to (1) focus on the message, (2) determine how best to communicate it effectively, and (3) not lose sight of the importance of your relationship with that other person. One can disagree with another and even part ways with that person, yet still do so in a way that is respectful and honorable. Is that always easy to do? Of course not. At the same time, no one ever said communicating well is either.  

Relief Pitching

Whenever the words "relief pitcher" are uttered I have little doubt the image that pops into the heads of most of us is that of a single player coming out of the bullpen in the late innings of a tight baseball contest. The starting pitcher has the held the opposing team in-check for as long as he can, but now their hitters are beginning to get to him and, as a result, about to take the lead and ultimately the game. Hence, the manager calls in the relief pitcher to stop the growing threat and bring their team home to another victory. It is no small assignment and never is the pressure small. Yet this is what the relief pitcher does.


Organizations, even the best of them, are no different than any of the professional baseball teams we enjoy these days. They, too begin initiatives or various outreach efforts with the best of intentions to win in terms of generating profits, increasing visibility, raising membership or achieving other high-profile goals. Winning to them is no small thing either. This is why more and more strive to hire the best and most effective communicators they can to create and spearhead their drives and compile as many "wins" as possible. A key part of doing this is being able to assess an outreach effort in midstream and recognize when changes are needed.


This may not occur on the baseball field, but it is relief pitching all the same. In the case of non-baseball organizations, however, it is not uncommon for those communicators who begin initiatives to be the same ones who make those needed adjustments when things are not going as well as hoped or expected. Communication professionals are both starters and relief pitchers. They have to be. Because communication itself is such a fluid act with an array of unknown variables part of the mix, their responsibilities require that one have the professional judgment and ability to fill both roles and do so with confidence.

The Confidence Thing

The profession public relations is one that is growing. According to statistics from the United States Department of Labor, this trend is expected to continue. That, of course, is good news for the thousand of communication and public relations majors currently enrolled in universities and colleges across the country. Society, including entities within the profit and not-for-profit aspects of it, recognizes the value of communicating effectively and need for professionals with the skills to help make that happen. Successful communication that results in ongoing two-way interaction between people and publics is a good thing for everyone.


Of those currently working in communication or studying to enter into the profession, over half are female. Despite this reality, the majority of persons holding down senior level positions in the field are men. Why is this? Perhaps one answer to such a broad question might be found in a singular word: "confidence." According to studies at Stanford University, are bigger risk takers, more competitive and less apt to be negatively swayed by criticism. In short, they have more confidence than women. Girls, on the other hand, are more studious, productive and more prone to suffer from self doubt and fear of rejection.


The result of these differences contributes to the fact women seem to not advance as far in their careers as men. This is most unfortunate because women - generally-speaking - have as much, if not more, to offer organizations, work places, etc. in terms of long-term vision, work ethic, team building and good old fashioned leadership. Fortunately, more and more our society seems to be coming around to this perspective. Particularly when it comes to communication, the hope here is this trend will not only continue but pick up speed. It is not just a matter of what is best for women, but what is best for all of us.


 

The Great Unifier

If there is one thing that most everyone seems to long for is a leader who can bring the country together; a dynamic being that unites folks despite differences they might have in politics and the array of issues that fall under that broad umbrella. Plus, to make the chances of such a dream becoming a reality even more remote, generally people long for such a unifier to work his or her magic without there being such an act as terrible as war or act of terrorism behind their message. For all wishing for such an entity to emerge, I have good news. This great unifier is already among us. Further, it is something with which we are all familiar. It is - -drumroll please - pizza!


That's right. Pizza. That glorious treat everyone has sampled, many on more than one occasion. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture and as reported in The New York Times, on any given day, one in eight Americans eight Americans eat pizza, mostly for dinner. Further, it is not uncommon for folks to have it for breakfast. In fact, the federal government reports that four percent of children have a slice or two when beginning their day. They find it to be as tasty and it is convenient. It is amazing what a mixture of wheat flour, cornmeal, cheese and some type of topping can do.   


This great unifier has more than taste and convenience going for it. There is also the matter of what it represents and/or communicates. Specifically, this treat signifies a level of comfort and fun that most people of all ages find reassuring. Bill collectors may be at the door, acts of violence may be happening someone in the world, and temperatures may be going up and down like an out-of-control yo yo, but despite pizza has a way of bringing out the smiles despite those and other harsh realities. Those who communicate for a living should take a page from this great unifier's book and incorporate its underlying message into their daily communiques. After all, we could all use a bit more harmony.

People Watching

I had occasion recently to spend time at a busy shopping mall. While there, I was able to return to one of my favorite past times: people watch. It has been longer than I care to admit that I have taken time to sit and watch those around me scurry about me. I sat in silence watching what I estimate to be over a hundred men and women of all ages pass by. Some seemed to be in a hurry. Some were not. Some were deep in conversation with their companions. Many were involved in conversations on their cell phones. Others were focused on items in various store windows while others doing their best not to drop any of the shopping bags they were carrying. All, in their own way, were busy and none, to my delight, seemed to take note of me.


I saw people laughing, crying, arguing and involved in intense discussion. Others seemed to be enjoying the pleasure of their own company while others were having fun with those they were with. It was all very much a mixed bag. It was exactly that, of course, that made this time of people watching a particular success. People being people. What is more fascinating than that? The quick answer is "nothing." But if anything could give such an answer a run for its money, it would be the stories behind each of those people. For instance, what led each of them to being in the frame of mind they were in at that moment? 


Given the opportunity, I have no doubt each of the persons I observed could and would a tale of interest about themselves: their hopes, dreams, fears, concerns, puzzlements, blessings, regrets and sources of pride. Within all of us is a communique waiting to be let out. This is driven by a basic need we share of wanting to connect and ultimately be accepted by others. Each of us has a voice to be heard. One of the primary functions of those better trained in the art of communication is to help ensure people are able to do just that.

Money Trumps Free Speech

One reason free speech in our country has worked as well as it has over more than 200 years is the fact everyone's voice carries the same weight. A poor person's voice has carried the same humph as a wealthy person's. The clout of a voice of a young, inexperienced person with limited knowledge has equaled those of one who is older, more experienced an with greater understanding of facts. Granted, this has created some level of frustration at times, but overall it is  a concept that proved to be timeless and, more to the point, workable. Additionally, it has defined our country and been, in many ways, our most core value.




Over the past four years, however, the United States Supreme Court has made several decisions that are contributing to an erosion of that principle and, on a larger scale, compromising the premise that equality of voice reigns in our nation. In 2010, in what is called the Citizens United Case, the Supreme Court ruled eliminated caps on what corporations can give candidates in political campaigns. Most recently, in 2014, as a follow-up that majority decision, the Supreme Court in the McCutcheon Case eliminated caps on what individuals can give to political campaigns. Together, the two decisions give a significant advantage to those who are wealthy to have greater say or influence over the political process. The Supreme Court has driven a dagger into the concept that all voices in America are equal.


With these decisions, people may still communicate when it comes to campaigns. The difference is there will be some that have greater sway that others. At the same time, some voices will not be listened to at all. The ability of one to donate greater amounts of money than another should not mean they have a louder voice than any one else. Tragically, these blows free speech do just that. Thanks to the Supreme Court, money now trumps free speech in our country. Unless these unfortunate decisions are overturned, they will continue having far-reaching, negative ramifications on the U.S. and its citizen's ability to communicate. 

Riding a Bike

There is an old expression used in remembering how to do something: "It's like riding a bike." The implication here is that once one learns how to do a particular thing, they never forget. The "thing" can be most anything ranging from swimming and making toast to doing jumping jacks or actually riding a bike. I recognize there is comfort in this axiom. It feels good to think that once we learn how to do something we never have to relearn it. No question about it, the thought that one or anything stays in our head forever does bring with it a certain peace of mind that is hard to match. There is, after all, a certain level of security that comes in believing some deposits will forever remain in our intellectual bank.


At the risk of sounding like a killjoy, however, I am not sure if this true. Let's look at communication. Making a connection with another person, for example, is not something one can do once and then never have to worry about again. Communication is nothing if not fluid. There is little guarantee a particular act of communicating that might succeed one day will achieve a similar result the next. The reason for this is the reality of ever-changing variables that have a direct impact on both the sender and receiver of a communication message. Thus, when it comes to two people connecting, each encounter represents a new start. This is what makes communication such a challenge.


I mention the old quote about riding a bike as this is something - after over six decades of living - I just recently learned how to do. While I am far from perfect, I, at least, have the ability to remain atop a bike, keep it moving, and not fall off. The steps needed to make those things happen will never change. But I would not begin comparing it to the act of communication because the steps to make that work do, in fact, change from encounter to encounter.

Banana Peels

Just as communication - with the possible exception of breathing - is the most prevalent thing on the planet, it stands to reason that there are many barriers that impede our ability to send out and receive signals or messages. These barriers or roadblocks range from the competition of other messages or communication efforts and the bias or attitude of an audience to the timing of a message and how understandable a message is. These are real and tangible hurdles that can and do get in the way of our efforts to connect with others and establish some type of sustained link. But there is another hurdle - a big one - that gets in the way, too. Banana peels.


Let me first say I have never actually seen someone in-person slip on a banana peel. I have, of course, seen it happen in movies and cartoons, but not once in all my years have I seen it up close and personal. I suspect the same is true for most everyone else. Nevertheless, in terms of things many of dread happening to us, it is slipping on a banana peel that ranks close if not at the top of our lists. In speaking of this, I am not talking about this kind of mishap in a realistic sense. Instead, I mean it metaphorically. By slipping on a banana peel, I refer to embarrassing ourselves or looking foolish in front of others.


For myself, it seems hardly a day passes when I wish this will not happen to me. Such a concern or, at best, fear can really get in the way of communicating effectively. We want to say something but instead stifle ourselves for fear we may not say it properly and therefore look bad to those around us. No question this can be a problem, particularly since people at times can be quite judgmental and unfairly critical. Some fears, however, are meant to be faced. A banana peel is one of them. Several ways to do this include being prepared, knowing your audience, believing in yourself, and knowing  your concern is shared by many. You are not alone.    

Fighting for Truth

Many years ago there was a popular television show called "Kung Fu" in which the main character traveled the earth in search of a higher truth. His mission certainly seemed worthwhile as it spoke to the importance of all of us trying to be the best we can be. Never mind that in most every episode he found himself in a knockdown-drag out kung fu fight. I am guessing the writers here were trying to suggest that all important goals are worth fighting for. I am sure that is true, yet I hope for myself and all others as we strive to be the best we can be that it does not involve kung fu fighting. I, for one, would be in big trouble.


This is not to say truth is not worth fighting for. But what happens if that so-called truth is not something on which everyone agrees? Suppose there is no ultimate truth because everyone has their own perspective on what that might be? That being the case, it seems as if we would have a lot of people fighting or arguing over something they do not agree on in the first place. That cannot be good for any society. After all, how productive can any society be if it is characterized primarily by the frequency and intensity of its turmoil versus the ways it strives to maintain and enhance its level of harmony?


Perhaps one problem our society faces these days is that we seem to be confusing truth with perspective. For many, perspective on such issues as climate change, raising minimum wage or health care - to name a few hot button issues - becomes reality, and, therefore, reality becomes truth. Given such a dynamic, we sure seem to have a lot of "truths" floating around. Somehow, the actual truth has become lost or relegated to a back row. Perspective is what is driving so much debate and conversation these days. Perhaps it is time for professional communicators to begin doing what they can to return truth to the front row stop supporting those who believe perspective is more important.