The Frustration of Poor Communication

Hypothetical scenario: It is the end of a college semester. The teacher is assigning final grades. He sits down with one student and says, "Johnny, I am giving you a failing grade for our class." Not surprisingly, the student is upset as they are disappointed and well aware that the consequences of failing a class will be severe. After catching their breath, the student asks the teacher to explain why he is receiving that failing grade. Looking directly at the student, the teacher says, "No, Johnny, I am not going to tell you." With that, the teacher leaves the room leaving his student not only even more upset, but also frustrated and angry.

Even assuming for a moment that Johnny deserves a failing grade, it is very easy to understand his negative feelings toward the teacher as a result of not being given the courtesy and respect of receiving an answer to a direct and legitimate question. Who among us would not feel the same way in a similar situation? At present, many citizens of Baltimore are finding themselves in the same scenario as Johnny. One of their own died while in the custody of the city police. Their questions of what happened and/or how did he die - at least thus far - are being ignored. As we are seeing and reading, the result is there is much rioting going on in the streets of "Charm City."

At the heart of this most unfortunate turn-of-events in Baltimore is very poor communication. There are so many more appropriate answers city officials could be giving to those now demanding answers: "We are not at liberty to say" and "This tragic death is now under investigation, so disclosing any details at this point would be inappropriate" are two examples. But to simply shut down and turn away from their "Johnnies" is as ill-advised as it is short-sighted. Like many major cities in America, Baltimore has its share of social and economic problems. In no way will poor communication ever be part of a solution to them.  

Not Like Riding a Bike

Here in late April, in Songdo, South Korea, the weather is absolutely gorgeous. It is bright, sunny yet not too hot. Perfect weather for bike riding. And this is what several of us did recently. Interestingly, one of the members of our group had not been on a bike in nearly 35 years. Despite that long absence, he was a real trooper and proved the old adage about bike riding: once you learn you never forget. I, at least, was impressed. Watching him navigate an array of turns, hills, dips and occasional traffic, I could not help but compare it to effective communication.  While the two are similar, there are also striking differences.

For any interaction between individuals or publics to be effective, there are fundamental elements that must exist. They include composing messages that are clear and easy to understand, framing communiques that are relevance to the listener, being a good listener, and providing adequate feedback. In addition, such an exchange, ideally, should be carried out with respect and a desire on both the part of the sender and receiver to succeed. Without over generalizing, I believe most folks recognize the necessity of these elements. Of course, while it one thing to recognize this, often it is another to actually incorporate them into everyone exchange one has.

Every interaction is different. This is due to the reality that each of us, from moment to moment, changes as does the environment in which our interactions occur. Granted, the changes are often very slight. Nonetheless, they are also real and affect each of our encounters in positive and sometimes negative ways. As a result, each of us must be nimble in our various encounters to account for changes in our own moods and perspectives, for instance, along with differences in those with whom we interact. Thus, communication is different from riding a bike simply because the nature of people requires our coming up with different ways to pedal.

Point Persons to the Future

Vision is a multi-layered  characteristic. Taken literally, it refers one's ability to physically see what is before him or her. On a more abstract level, however, it speaks to one's concept of what they feel could or might be. It is a projection of the future. Thus, from this perspective, all of us have vision. The difference is found in whether people have one or choose to exercise their ability to look ahead and imagine what is possibly around the corner. One's vision, it should be noted, is not always positive. It can be negative and even quite alarming. It can also be inspirational as well as be totally contrary to what other's might see.

Over a century ago, Henry Ford, to give one example, had a vision when it came to transportation. Late in his life he acknowledged his vision ran counter to that of many others. Famously, he said if he had created what others foresaw, then he would have come up with a faster horse. Instead, the result of Ford's vision was the automobile. The challenge when it comes to vision, of course, is two-fold: how well one communicates it and how well they are able to implement it. For a vision to become  real, it is vital that both elements be carried out successfully. President Kennedy's vision of America eventually landing a man on the moon is a case-in-point.

Professional communicators can play a key role in the successful articulation and implementation of visions. By crafting key messages, working closely with key, targeted publics, and devising strategies that help assure folks that change generated by vision is to be embraced, these men and women are important players in helping people and, more broadly, society advance. They often serve as the navigator or the visionary's point-person. Ideally, the two should work closely together. Even more ideally, the two should understand and even share the same perspective of what the future might be. Sometimes, the two can even be the same person.   

It's All Personal

You know why communication can be so difficult at times? Because it is so personal. Every time we reach out to another - even a close friend or family member - we put ourselves on the line. What specifically, you might ask, is at risk? The answer is captured in one word: rejection. None of us even like the idea of being turned away, discounted or made to feel as if we are unacceptable. Yet it is these basic feelings that rise to the surface of our emotions each time we engage in some form of interaction. The encounter could be something as simple as smiling at another person or more complex as giving a  presentation before a room full of our peers. In either circumstance, those fundamental feelings are very much at the forefront of our psyche.

Give such a reality, one might think that the risk is worse when we are younger and chock full of insecurities. Not necessarily. As one who professionally and personally has experienced thousands of sunrises and sunsets, I can attest to the fact the nervousness of contending with others in all kind of settings remains very much alive and well. Does this mean I am as insecure today as I was, say, 40 or even 50 years ago? No. But it does suggest my desire to make a positive impression with others remains intact, my wish the effort I make to communicate effectively with individuals and groups go well is as strong as ever, and my awareness that for that to happen requires others having some degree of positive feelings toward me. This is what makes communication so personal.

As a teacher of communication at the university level, every day I see students struggle with the act of trying to connect with others. Whether it is getting up and giving a presentation or responding a question I ask of them, I can see the insecurity in their faces, hear it in their voices, and even feel it in their hesitancy and nervous laughter. The reality of the possible rejection they feel at those moments is a lifetime burden. To all fellow-communicators, let me splash you with this truism: that fundamental insecurity will always be with you. But the good news is two-fold: it is a feeling everyone shares and, generally, as we gain maturity and perspective, we develop coping skills that enable us to carry on all the same.  

Butterfly Larvae

There are many challenges that come with getting to know a different culture. And so many of them revolve the fundamental or basic aspects that influence how one interacts with others. For instance, how do people prefer being addressed? Are they comfortable with informality such as calling each other by their first names or is their preference to address others by title, such as "doctor," "professor," "mister" or "miss?" When greeting another, are bows preferred over handshakes? And if handshakes are acceptable, should they be firm or somewhat soft? And what about eye contact? Is that welcomed or viewed as a threat?

Food, of course, is a challenge all by itself. Though I have been here in Songdo, South Korea, for nearly two months, I am still getting used to that. A few weeks ago I was offered ice cream with corn in it. As I like both, I accepted it. After all, how bad could it be? Looking back, now that I have had this treat, I can say I am glad I had the experience but it is not one I wish to repeat. And then there the recent challenge of eating butterfly larvae. For me, that was one bridge too far. I declined and only hope doing so did not create any kind of international incident. Blame it on my American taste buds, but I prefer french fries or potato chips with my burger, thank you very much.

Communication, of course, is a key to successful cross cultural interaction. As one who is definitely an outsider here in South Korea, more and more I am finding how important it is to be open about my lack of familiarity with this culture that is definitely different from my own. Fortunately, every Korean I have met with whom I have interacted has been very kind, gracious and, above all, patient. Their attitude reinforces the notion that when it comes to folks from different cultures coming together, it is vital that the "greater good" of communicating successfully be the focus. Ego and bravado should definitely take a back seat.   

Two Voice Thoughts

I am going to go out on a limb and say the one person we talk with most during any of our days is ourselves. Sure, we may "dish the dirt" with our best friend, share thoughts with our spouses, and even exchange pleasantries with an assortment of colleagues, acquaintances or even strangers. But even if we were to combine all the time we spend conversing with those folks, I do not believe it would match or even come close to that which we spend talking with ourselves. Let's face it: our inner voice is a non-stop talking machine. Whether what it is saying is silly, inappropriate, insightful, mean, kind, provocative, or clever, it has our "ear" like nothing else.

Our inner voice represents what the late jazz critic Roger Pryor Dodge termed our "two voice thoughts." One voice is what we say to ourselves and the other what we share with others. Sometimes the voices are in-sync while other times they are not. For a variety of reasons, sometimes we choose to share with another only part of what our inner voice has said to us. And sometimes we throw the door wide open and let others know everything our inner voice is saying. At best, some may judge such a decision to be totally honest. Others may view it as being rude or risky. Either way, sharing our inner voice is the act of turning two voice thoughts into one voice statements.

A constant challenge in any act of communication is deciding when to release all or part of that inner voice. A person asks us how we like their new suit. Our inner voice may respond by saying "It looks nice except it's too big for you." But our outer voice may simply respond by saying, "Very nice, Bob." Two voices yet which one, in our judgment, is most appropriate to share? Sometimes the answer to that is easy and others it is quite hard. Such is the on-going dilemma for all who communicate. Part of the solution is found in how we assess our audience and our connection with them.

Ethics Works Both Ways

Being ethical is a major part of communication. A person with credibility is one who is respected and who generally has the "ear" of their audience and those with whom they interact. For those perceived to be dishonest either because they lie or twist facts, however, their success rate in connecting with others in any kind of meaningful way is usually, at best, short lived. Such an observation illustrates how often many of us - myself included - view communication ethics: by shining the spotlight on the sender or initiator of a message. When a communique occurs, we ask: Is that person a liar or a teller of truth?  

While this is a valid question to ask, it does not go far enough. By that I mean the matter of communication ethics does not only apply to the one who is doing the talking. It also applies to those on the receiving end of a speech, comment or article. Just as the speaker, for instance, has a responsibility to be honest, those to whom he or she is speaking have an equal obligation to be a respectful listener. If such a responsibility is purposefully ignored, then those who do that are being unethical not unlike a speaker who manipulates facts or the truth. Because listening is a key element in the communication process, not fulfilling that responsibility is an honest way is deceptive.

As a teacher, I see this kind of unethical behavior far too often. Either I or a student will be speaking to the class when I will notice someone check their cell phone and quietly text someone. This sort of thing happens in many settings other than the classroom, I might add. Because the communication process involves both a sender and a receiver, so, too, does communication ethics. Both participants need to be their part honestly or whatever is exchanged between them will be incomplete, at best, and misleading, at worst, and misunderstood in all probability. They key, then, is to remember that being an ethical communicator pertains to all of us.     

Quilts

One of the many skills I do not possess is the ability or mindset to make quilts. They require patience and a special brand of precision that have always alluded me. One of the many memories of my mother that I carry with me is her ability to make quilts. She was quite good at it. I can hardly remember a time when she was not working on one either for us or some member of the family. Looking back, I can see where she could have had a very nice side-income for herself if she had chose to sell them. Instead, Mom gave them away. Her generosity was even more impressive than her talent.

Quilts are often the result of a joining together a patchwork of various designs and colors. This array, once put together, is then used to keep people warm and perhaps even give them a sense of safety. Quilts represent collaboration and cooperation and the benefit that comes from them. For the makers of them, they generate pride. For their users, quilts instill comfort. Not bad at all. Further, if well treated, they can last for generations and become part of a family's landscape. In essence, quilts serve as a reminder of the good that can result if one is open to various designs and perspectives and makes the effort to determining how best they can be linked.

Those most proficient at communication can do this, too. Such folks do not see interacting with others who may have opposing views or emotionally-charged perspectives as being roadblocks to achieving consensus or agreement. Rather, they see such diversity as an opportunity to create messages that generate unity. They view differences of opinion as being an important part of the communication process - one that should not automatically be discouraged or ignored. Differences, they recognize, can actually be turned into building blocks that lead to positive advancement. For such communicators, it is a matter of having the will that makers of quilts demonstrate regularly.

Young Bobby

Inspiration can come in many shapes and sizes and, at times, from the most unexpected sources. Most recently, my wife and I were out for a walk in one of the many lovely parks in Songdo, South Korea. Almost out of nowhere a young boy -  not more than ten years of age -  appeared beside us on his bicycle. He, too, was out enjoying the pleasant evening air. With he on his bike and we on our feet, the three of us quickly fell into conversation on a range of topics, including foods we liked, places we have seen, our families, and even education. The encounter lasted nearly an hour but could have easily gone on longer if all of has not needed to go back to our respective apartments for dinner.

I found the boy, who identified himself as Bobby, to be very pleasant, polite and inquisitive. Even though English was his second language, he was also quite articulate. But perhaps what I found most impressive about Bobby was what I call his "gentle thoughtfulness." Throughout our conversation, he displayed an important talent to engage, share and be a good partner. By that I mean he did not try to dominate our conversation or talk over us. In addition, Bobby's comments seemed designed to complement and build on what was being said as opposed to simply ignore it. Throughout our interaction, young Bobby exhibited a desire to raise the level of the conversation - talk with rather than at.

Bobby, of course, is not the first person this skill. Nevertheless, when it comes to direct communication between individuals, he was a great reminder of the benefit that comes with recognizing the value of positive encounters and then embracing the potential role we all play in that regard when encountering others. In all interactions, each of us has a responsibility to help bring out the best in others. If all participants are engaging and open, then the conversation - no matter the topic or tone - can be positive even when there is disagreement.