The Danger of Proximity

Mark Twain once observed how sometimes people can be so close to someone or something that their perspective can become blurry. Proximity, he suggested, does not necessarily equate with accurate understanding. Because we see a person everyday and are with them much of the time does not mean we have a full appreciation of their skills, talents and/or abilities. Conventional wisdom suggests otherwise, of course. Yet I believe there is wisdom in Twain's comment. It is similar to that old adage about "familiarity breeding contempt." We see a person up-close and automatically assume we have them clearly pegged. How unfortunate for us and them.

The same dynamic can happen with communication. Being close to another creates a dangerous illusion that we know what they are thinking or what their perspective might be on something. Maybe. But maybe not. For communication to be effective, the parties involved must be engaged and focused. Talking with a stranger, for instance, calls upon us to focus since we have no base of knowledge or understanding of that person. It is no different - or should not be - with someone we do know well. Knowing them well gives is insight but not necessarily a bullseye sense of what they are thinking or going to say.

Proximity, thus, gives one a false sense that full effort is no longer necessary. People are people and, as a result, are full of inconsistencies and contradictions. Being close to another, if anything, makes it even more imperative that we give them our fullest attention and engage with them with as much of an open mind as possible. That is what is required if we want to continue knowing them well. The moment we allow proximity to give us some sort of letter of permission to stop trying as hard to communicate whether others regardless of how close we are to them, the less service we are doing to them and us. Be wary of proximity. It is not necessarily a friend of effective communication.

Tigers and Horses

There is an interesting place to visit in Bangkok called a Tiger Temple. This particular tourist attraction is basically a place to eat with one twist: live tigers are stationed throughout the facility that are close enough for patrons to literally touch, take for a walk, and have their picture taken with. It is not all that different from cat cafes that one can find throughout Asia except the creatures are much bigger and dangerous. As you might expect, if one is going to sit within a few yards of a tiger, then certain rules must be followed. After all, these creatures are known to have a mind of their own from time to time.

One particular rule is that tigers apparently only like being approached from their left side. For some unknown reason, they seem to view being approached on their right side as more threatening . While that might be difficult for most of us to understand, I know no one foolish enough to ignore any tiger's rules. (Speaking for myself, if I ever found myself situated within arm's length of a tiger and that beast wanted me to play the bagpipes, then you can bet I would not only be playing as best I could, but I would even be happy to wear kilts while doing it.) Rules, after all, are rules and one in this case does not want to upset the rule maker and enforcer.

Horses, of course, prefer the left side as well. While these creatures are not as threatening as tigers, they do demand respect and can do damage if provoked. So, when it comes to tigers and horses, the left side it is! No problem. With any act of communication there are rules, too, that if ignored can result in harm being done. If one is honest and respectful, then the odds are good people will not feel betrayed or be deceived. Trust will be another key result. Unfortunately, when people are involved, it seems these communication rules are not so often closely followed. That's too bad. Being purposefully deceptive can have tragic consequences, too.

Nunchi

Non-verbal communication never ceases to fascinate. On the one hand, you have people assessing signals from others through actions and facial expressions rather than words. (The Koreans term this measuring with the eye or "nunchi." On the other, there are those who try to disguise their true feelings by either acting in ways opposite to what they are feeling or putting on what is commonly called a "poker face." It is almost like a dance or some kind of pantomime. The fact is all of us give off signals all the time. Just as frequently, people interpret our expressions and behavior. We can't help communicate any more than we can't help see those actions as acts of communication.

And so it goes. Key questions are are how accurate are our non-verbal acts of communication and how accurate is our assessment of those non-verbal actions? Koreans might ask: how good are our measurements with the eye? No doubt there are times when all of us try to hide true feelings. While talking with a boss, for instance, we may act in a way that is engaged all the while thinking how much we did not want to be with that person. A young boy may have a huge crush on a girl but act as if he does not care about her so he can come across as being "cool" and above matters of the heart. So it goes, indeed.

I do not have precise any answers to those earlier questions. But I do know eventually we do reveal our true feelings non-verbally. Often times this happens when we feel it "safe" to let down our guard. Other times, we do it without realizing it. From an assessment perspective, if one is going to claim a certain level of proficiency at reading non-verbal signals, then it is important they recognize such an "art" is usually not one hundred percent accurate. One reason for this is because people often do not reveal true feelings until they determine what they are. We "hold back" because we ourselves are trying to figure out what we truly think or feel. It is a matter of wanting to communicate but only when we are ready and wanting to interpret a signal before that signal has been fully formed.

Good Neighbors

We are lucky where we live cause we have what I would term "good neighbors." They are quiet, keep their yard in presentable fashion, are friendly, are not particularly needy, and are happy to help those times when we need a favor. (As I write this, I am hopeful they view us in the same way we view them.) There are others that live around us, too, and they also are nice. But we do not know them as well as Cindy and David. These neighbors make a big difference in the contentment we feel in living where we do. In other words, they have impact. If they were less then "good," then how my wife and I currently live our lives would no doubt be different.

I realize everyone has a different concept of what constitutes a "good neighbor." And that is fine. But whatever what one's defInition might be, this points to the reality that all of us make some sort of difference in the lives of others. This is true in the corporate world. All of us understand that businesses are in the business of making money. They are driven by profit. Interestingly, many of us non-corporate entities dance to that tune as well. We, too, strive to make profit in order to pay our own bills and live lives of relative comfort. Another commonality we share revolves around the concept of "good neighbor."

For myself, I feel so much better about various businesses I use if I view them as wanting to do more than simply make money. For instance, the dry cleaning shop I use helps support a local junior league soccer team. That strikes me as being a good neighbor to our community. Their actions make me feel better about spending my money with them. Their actions demonstrate a desire on their part to make their neighborhood a better place. This is a big reason why I like having David and Cindy as our neighbors. Their actions, as well as those of my dry cleaners, communicate a message I like. It represents a most effective form of public relations.

The Allure of Lies

A lie is nobody's friend. No matter how tempting it might be to embrace one. A lie is to avoid. One can be so seductive, much like a forbidden lover or a drug that promises a quick-fix. We find ourselves caught in an awkward moment and a lie offers a way out. We are with others looking for certain truths. We know those truths to be false, yet we reinforce them just the same. It makes the others happy. It brings on their cheers, good will and support. So, we wrap the lie around our shoulders much like a warm shawl. Everyone is happy without realizing they have been wronged. We know it because we have opened the door to the lie.

In a passage from "Great Expectations," involving the main character, Pip, and the husband of his sister, Joe, the one tells the other: "...namely, that lies is lies. Howsever they come, they didn't ought to come. Don't you tell no more of 'em, Pip. That ain't the way to get out of being common, old chap." Here, author Charles Dickens articulates the false choice that is a lie. All of us long and strive to raise our level of standing in the eyes of others. A lie is the wrong door to pass though to achieve that end. Sadly, it is a choice we all make during the course of our lives. In situations that are insignificant and ones that are not, at times we give in to the allure of the falsehood.

Lies represent a choice; a very real one. They do not occur by mistake. What makes them so appealing is that they can be used to communicate effectively, thus serving as a means to an end. At times, they can even make our attempts to communicate well easier and less confrontational. Why not lie then? Why not travel that road rather have to contend with such unwanted results as disagreement, hurt feelings or rejection? The answer is simple: because a lie is not truth. It undermines effective communication by its mere existence. On the other hand, while truth does not guarentee smooth sailing, it's inevitable reward is enlightenment. What's better than that?

Safety Agents

Teaching is always a challenge. The trick is to impart knowledge or information in a way that is understandable and in a manner that students can then take and actually apply or use. A good deal of repetition is often necessary to ensure the lessons of the day are successfully given. As one who has been teaching for over 40 years both in and outside the United States, my favorite time of teaching is when students ask lots of questions, speak up, and are not shy about commenting on whatever it is we are focusing on at that moment. I like the energy and give-and-take that comes with such interaction. I think the students do, too.

My least favorite time is when the students are not speaking up, especially when I am expecting them to do so. For instance, when I ask a question, I expect the students or someone to take a chance at answering it. There have been times when no one raises their hand or speaks up. Sometimes this may happen in response to a particular question and others times the entire class may be shy about speaking out as a general rule. (I have found this to be the case with a number of the classes I have taught in South Korea.) The result is an awkward silence during which a brief staring contest between the students and I occur.

Putting aside for the moment the specific topic or question or even how the question is phrased, the silence represents a communication challenge. Students need to feel it is safe for them to speak up. After all, many are nervous about giving an incorrect answer or saying something dumb and looking foolish. In this classroom, another key challenge faced by any teacher is to create an environment in which students feel safe enough to themselves heard. If they don't, then lots of unanswered questions will be the result. But if they do, then one is in for a fun and stimulating time. Yes, teachers teach but doing that requires an expertise in a special kind of safety. Consider them agents of safety.

Shaping Our Lives

For much of his youth, Babe Ruth lived at an orphanage for boys. It was there where he learned to play baseball.  For several months when he was 11, Charles Dickens stuck labels on bottles. He would later draw from this experience in writing several of his greatest novels, including "Bleak House" and "Great Expectations." While a young parent, L. Frank Baum put his kids to bed by telling them stories of a young farm girl and her adventures with such charcaters as witches, a lovestruck tin man and a cowardly lion. Like those three giants, all of us have experiences that ultimately shape our lives. While we may not always know which of our experiences will have the most influence, it is inevitable that the seeds of what we ultimately do and become come from some part of our loves.

Given that, it is clear that any period or even moment of our lives can be either the one or part of what we draw from when deciding upon the trajectory of our lives. For instance, writing this particular blog entry could be that moment for me. For another, say a teenage girl with a dynamic high school chemistry teacher, could become a famous chemist as a result of the enjoyment they derive from how well their chemistry teacher teaches. Examples abound. For others, the trigger could even be the way and how well those around them communicate that shapes how as adults they interact with others.

This is not such a crazy notion. After all, communication is a non-stop swirl around us. Further, along with breathing, it is the one act we ourselves never stop doing. Obviously, other variables contribute to the shaping of our lives. But without question communication is a key component in determining how we turn out. This, then, is one more reason why we need to pay attention to how those around us engage with each other along with the impact of that activity. You can bet at some point what we experience and observe will leave a heavy mark on us. Communication, then, does matter. Let us hope it does so in all ways that are good.

Traffic Jams

Probably one ordeal all of us share during the course of our lifetime is having to contend with a traffic jam. Perhaps "endure" would be a better word. We are in a vehicle that is moving along at a fairly reasonable pace when suddenly that pace is reduced to a crawl or, even worse, a complete stop. We sit and we sit. We exchange glances with others in the vehicles around us. We flip the radio on and off. We sing. We talk to ourselves. None of those actions seem to help escalate the pace of traffic. We remain stuck with no apparent way out. Whatever patience we have been blessed with, is put to the test.

As frustrating as the traffic jam itself is, however, as much as anything it is not knowing the reasons for the slow-down that can be most exasperating. Is it construction? Has there been an accident? We sit and do not know why. The good news, at least on a number of major highways, is the existence of what are called "smart signs" designed to provide drivers with up-to-date information as to what is happening up-ahead. But these helpful signs do not exist on many of the non-major roads or thoroughfares. The result is a great deal of uncertainty and persons in cars feeling the level of frustration that comes from being in the dark.

This is one more example of why timely information is so key to our betterment and peace of mind. Yes, regional and state governments should invest in this kind of service to the general public. But more broadly than that is the vital role information itself plays in our lives. Reducing the unknown and increasing "the known" is an essential ingredient toward creating a more supportive and less anxious society. It is the communicator who needs to lead that charge either via their own initiative or by lobbying those in-charge to take the lead. This will not eliminate traffic jams and other us stressful moments in our lives, but it will certainly help us deal with them more easily.

Experts

Wouldn't life be so much easier for all of us if we had our own personal expert at our disposal? If a problem appeared, all we would have to do is reach out to our expert and before we could say "pundit," solutions would in our back pocket. Better yet. Those answers would be articulated by our expert to whoever needed to hear them. Nice. Unfortunately, in today's media-obsessed climate the answers, regardless of how correct they might be, would not necessarily make the problem go away. This is because nowadays the expert not only needs to know what they are talking about but they need to both look and sound good, too.

After all, in many cases we are talking television - a visual medium where looks count for much. This reality presents public relations practitioners with a two-fold challenge: a keen awareness that the job of expert is more complex then it used to be and that training experts to be credible is more challenging than ever. When people watch television they prefer watching images that are pleasant to the eye and ear. If the person in front of the camera does not do that, then the odds of viewers accepting or being open to them are reduced. Thus, experts need to be as viewer-friendly as they are knowledgable.

This is media training is so important. A person may have a firm grasp of a topic, and even be well-spoken, but if they are not comfortable with speaking on-camera or to into a microphone, then their effectiveness is reduced. Is that fair? No. Shouldn't a person be accepted on the merit of their words rather than the superficiality of their looks and voice? Of course. But, hey, we are talking the 21st century now. People switch channels faster than the pulling of a trigger at the OK Corrall. The punch line here is that media training needs to be part of professional communicator's skill set. The times in which receive information demand it.

Black Swan

For many years, the existence of a black swan was viewed to be something of a myth - like a unicorn. Nowadays, however, such a creature does exist though they are definitely not your garden-variety swan. But there is a black swan that is much more common these days: it is an occurrence viewed as a surprise that has impact and one that man comes up with an explanation to give its existence some sort of rationale. One example might be the emergence of Donald Trump as the current front runner to win the Republican Party's nomination for President. Reasons for his rise continue to be put forth by experts and non-experts alike.

In the communication world, there is a black swan that, metaphorically, has been swimming up and down waterways for years now. Niche journalism. This is reporting that is carried out with a particular bias toward a definite political perspective. Nowadays, Fox News is the hands-down champion of this type of reporting. Many talk radio programs representing both sides of the political spectrum fall under this umbrella as well. In terms of why these practitioners of niche journalism exist, it is to provide subscribers of a certain political bent with an outlet to where their views, opinions, etc. can be reinforced.

The problem with this move away from the more traditional form of objective reporting is that it contributes to the great divide in our country where more and more folks claim to not even to talk with those who see the world definitely than they do. The result is a growing communication gap that makes collaboration and consensus more difficult to achieve. Such a reality fosters intolerance. Intolerance is the enemy of effective communication. These days I find myself wrestling with the challenge of how we as a society can rid ourselves of this particular black swan. Any suggestions would be most welcomed.