You're Not Listening!

How many times have any of us been in a conversation when we have either said or thought the other person is not listening to us? I will be kind and answer that: "More than once." At least that is my response when I apply that question to me. On the one hand, I understand those in my company do not hang on every word I utter. (I bet there were even those - granted, no doubt only a few - who occasionally glanced down at their time piece when talking with Abraham Lincoln or Martin Luther King, two giants known for, among other things, their conversational skills.) But on the other hand, why not? Why don't people with whom I talk give me their full attention? (And the same goes for those other two guys.)


At the risk of oversimplifying the very complex aspect of communication we call listening, one answer to that question revolves around the word "needs." Specifically, one reason people tune me out from time to time is they judge what I am saying does not speak to whatever needs they might have at that given moment. For instance, a person might decide I am not being informative or entertaining enough - two reasons we seek to connect with others. Other reasons might be they do not appreciate the tone of my voice or are too busy wrapped up in their own thoughts that might pertain to matters of which I know nothing about.


When talking, none of us know for sure how we are being perceived by others unless they send out clear signals to us. A yawn tells us one thing, a smile another. To be engaging and keep those times when others tune us out to a minimum, a near-perfect strategy is to learn what the other's persons needs/interests are. This does not mean you then have to only talk about what they want to hear. Instead, it gives you a good clue as to how you can frame your topic of discussion so as to help ensure their attention. People are social creatures and, therefore, enjoy engaging with others. The challenge is to give them reasons to act on that.