The Four Horsemen

The famous - or is it infamous - Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse were introduced to us in the Book of Revelations in the New Testament of the Bible. In essence, they represented the beginning of the End of Times for mankind. In other words, these are definitely not people any of us want to see riding by our house on a Saturday night. Recently, scholar John Gottman of the University of Washington devised a different set of horsemen as it applies to relationships. As a result of his extensive research, Gottman identified four connected yet distinct signals that represent the end of any relationship. Without exception, one or several or even all of these signals can be found any time a relationship between two people goes kaput.  

The four, according to Gottman, are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. One may be inclined to say, "Hang on, you see these most any time there is a disagreement between people." True. But the difference is should that disagreement escalate along with any or all of those behavioral categories, then they are a key element contributing to the demise of the relationship initially enjoyed by the couple. In this context, criticism is described as one verbally attacking another; contempt as attacking one's sense of self rather than their behavior; defensiveness as one seeing themselves as a victim; and stonewalling as when one withdraws to avoid the conflict.      

Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling also represent different levels of a breakdown in communication. When parties that disagree do so in ways that are disrespectful, purposefully hurtful, and are personally-directed, then they are not behaving in a fair way. More to the point, they are communicating in a poor manner with little regard to the other person or, for that matter, the specific topic at-hand. Bullying another person or shutting down lines of communication represent acts designed to stop efforts to communicate effectively. The agenda of those doing that is clearly beyond bridge building or getting to a better place.