"How do I want this to end?"

The other day while having a leisurely lunch with a good friend - a fellow retiree - we got to talking about his work as a key administrator at a large university. (I am purposely keeping his identity vague so as not to invade his privacy.) In terms of dealing with the hundreds of folks that reported to him, either directly or indirectly, there were times when he and others did not always see eye-to-eye. Occasionally, he said, tempers would rise. I asked him how he handled conflict, particularly during those bumpy patches. First and foremost, he responded, his initial priority was to not lose his own temper. That, he knew, would only make matters worse.

Equally as important, my friend said he was able to keep himself on an even-keel and keep the disagreements respectful and prevent them from escalating into shouting matches that would do-harm to his working relationship with his colleagues as well as make it more difficult to reconcile the issue at-hand by keeping the following question at the forefront of his thoughts: "How do I want this to end?" His said his answer was always the same:  he never wanted to destroy his working relationship with others and he always wanted to properly address the issue that was the focus of their interaction. As a result, he made a point of communicating in a way that helped ensure those overriding goals were always met.

What we communicate and how we communicate are never not the deciding factors when it comes to contending with disagreements with others. There, of course, is always the option of out-yelling the other person or bullying them into submission. But doing that detracts from any long-term relationship one might have with another. Being respectful, a good listener and well-spoken, and maintaining an air of collegiality are key ingredients toward achieving desired end-results. My friend was wise to recognize this and strong enough to practice it. This is why he was so good at his job and held in high regard while doing it.