The Challenge of Listening

When it comes to effective communicating, one thing we all share is that we want to be heard. We want "the other guy" to hear what we have to say and, best case scenario, agree with us. When that happens, we feel validated. It gives our ego a pat on the back as if to say, "You are important and you make a difference." Who doesn't want that? On a fundamental level, all of us want to be reassured  that we are thinking, well-functioning human beings with much to contribute. Being heard, even if it is by just one other person, does that. On a broader scale, so much of public relations revolves around that basic premise.

But when it comes to communicating effectively, being heard is only one-half of the process. The other half is listening. To make a true and well-rounded connection with others requires sending out messages that are understood and also receiving whatever feedback or response the initial outreach effort triggers. If one only sends but does not receive, then an effective act of communication has not occurred. The listening part of the equation, sadly, is often overlooked or not given the weight it deserves and needs. When the listening component is short-changed, then whatever connection we hope to make with others is compromised.

So, what's the deal with listening? Why don't more of us do a better job of giving this key piece of the communication pie the focus it deserves? My own theory is that many feel listening is not as satisfying as being heard. It does not make us feel as good or feed our ever-present need for validation as being acknowledged by others. In short, many feel it is better to be validated than validate others. More fun, too. Bottom line: listening well is hard. Listening well does not feed our ego nearly as well as being heard does. Ironically, in my view, the most effective communicating occurs when both sides are more focused on listening.