A Rabbit Out of a Hat

Have you ever seen anyone pull a rabbit out of a hat? I have never seen it done in person but as a result of watching a ton of variety shows on television while growing up, I can honestly say I have seen it done many times. It's always fun and I always feel good for the rabbit who, I assume, must feel awfully cramped inside that hat while it waits to be pulled out. (Full disclosure: Even though I have seen this trick done quite often, I am still not sure how it's done. And while I'm on the subject, how do they get all those clowns inside that tiny car?) In the world of communication, there is another trick with which all of us are faced on a regular basis: pulling consensus out of disagreement. How is it done? What's the secret?

I begin by acknowledging that disagreements are rarely fun and are often upsetting and stressful, especially if you are butting heads with a friend or family member. But the same holds true for disagreements with others as well. These encounters can be emotional and frustrating and, at times, all-consuming in determining our mood for the rest of the day. Yet, because we are emotional creatures with our own perspectives and biases, they are inevitable. They
happen and will continue doing so for as long as our species inhabits the planet.

Despite that truism, however, there are others that override it. They can be summed up in one word: commonality. We have much more in common than not. Starting with the fact we are all emotional, others include our fundamental need for validation, desire to be heard, recognized, accepted, and possessing a sense of belonging. These are among the hierarchy of needs that were first put forth by Abraham Maslow. When we are in the middle of a disagreement, often times it is these needs that we are displaying as much as the wish the other person agree with us. In communication, the key to success is knowing one's audience and adapting your message to speak to their needs and interests. This is done by listening and validating the other person's point of view. Doing so does not necessarily lead to agreement, but it can help keep disputes from getting out of hand and, therefore, improve the odds that the parties involved will be more willing to seek consensus or harmony.

A final point: I recognize this is not always easy to do, especially if we are angry or hurt. But when head butting occurs, the more we can remember our commonalities, the sooner we can help establish an atmosphere that is conducive for the sharing those and other feelings .